Ice pirates are the third best kind of pirate, behind air pirates and Slick Rick.

One time, I communicated using nothing but my mouth. Fucking weird, right?

Don’t put absinthe in your ass. It goes in your face and comes out your pee hole. This is the ways of things.

Venomous ravage lemurs were invented by a mad geneticist by the name of Gomer Freestyle-Thunkle. When asked why he turned harmless lemurs into venomous ravagers, he replied: “because oat brand is never fondled by brunch hunters.” Then he batted at a chandelier and barked like a sea lion.

Remember St. Hoopty, the 70′s action hero? Remember when he jumped that gorge with his flaming El Camino? Remember when he finally defeated Big-ass Boss Jones? No? Well, I do. It’s easy to remember things when you make them up.

Who would win in a fight, Tommy Dorsey or flesh-eating bacteria? The answer’s Genghis Khan. The answer’s always Genghis Khan.

I hear that bank fraud is illegal. Weird, right?

Remember when the whole family would huddle around the radio waiting for it to warm up? Anticipating the gloriously entertaining radio program to come? The radio drama that would be comprised mostly of casual racism and cigarette adds?

Man, the past kinda sucked, now that I think about it.

An old grimoire from 1577, Pseudomonarchia Daemonum, contains a list of demons. One demon on that list is called Amy, President of Hell. I don’t know about you, but I find this hilarious. While the Amy demon is described in the book as a male creature, I like to imagine a blonde valley girl who died, went to hell because she believed in the wrong version of Jehovah, and eventually became a surprisingly effective commander-in-chief of the underworld.

I’d vote for her.

War is how countries make love. It makes a weird kind of sense, doesn’t it? No. No, it doesn’t. What is wrong with you?